The White Queen: They Paved Paradise and Put Up a Parking Lot

SPOILER ALERT:  I am finished The White Queen!

Yes...I'm sneering at you. Deal.

WOWWWWW.  I was on the edge of my seat during the whole last episode.  I kept asking my husband "Is this longer than an hour?  How long have we been watching??"  It was just...so...JUICY!  And there was no end in site!  Until it ended.  That kinda sucked.  

Richard, Richard, Richard...MUST you walk around SNEERING at everyone with those gorgeous eyes?  DAMN you, Richard!  I wanted to hate you...I really did.  And when you fell to your death on the battlefield?  You KNOW what we were all thinking:  PEOPLE PARK THEIR CARS OVER THAT SHIT NOW!!!  (OK not really as his bones were moved...but still.  Creepfest, party of Richard!)

If you don't know about Richard's remains ended up...you MUST read this delicious weather.com article about his bones being found last year. 

OK so hmmm...Elizabeth (the younger one). Was she a ho?  Anne was hella bitchy and Richard was the king.  Can't really blame a girl for falling into that den of iniquity, can we?  WHAT a position to be in, too!  "If the king loses, I'll marry Henry TYOOdor and be queen.  If the king wins, I'll marry the king and be queen.  Not too shabby!"  

How can I get
those gorgeous locks?

Suck it, Henry TYOOdor;
my hair is better than yours. 

And how about the haircut on Henry TYOOdor??  C'mon, man...this is a major television series for the BBC, Starz and lord knows who else.  You'd THINK you could lose the square haircut and seek out Richard's badass stylist.  That shit was PRIME hottie hair, was it not?  Henry TYOOdor's looked like Lord Farquaad from Shrek.

Henry, how's Sal down
at the barber shop?
 Tell him I said Hi!

OH my God - how much am I going to  miss Margaret??  She was fanTAStic.  I am the mother of the King, HENRY TYOODOR...and my fence-riding douche of a 4th husband can suck it."

Bow before the
Queen Mother, bitch. 

Her cocky ass marched itself RIGHT into camp...and then the battlefield!  She just sashayed her way across the bloody grass like she owned the place!  It was fantastic!

And the whole time, Mama Elizabeth just bid her time at that country estate, just watching the weather and planning her magic.  It was so awesome when her son came home; I have to google the crap outta that sitch and see what really went down.  Clearly somebody thinks she switched her son with that poor kid who bit it with her other son, Richard.  Or was it Edward?  (Shit she had 10 kids.  Who can keep them straight?)

I can't even be a wiseass
about theselittle lost souls.
Poor Elizabeth.
I can't even imagine.

Ritchie, I want an
Oompa Loompa
and I want one
NOW!

And Anne Neville.  Sigh.  She started out so sweet and that hellish, royal, medieval life really got the best of her.  I cried when her son, Edward died.  And how's about Daddy holding Elizabeth's hand at the funeral?!?  OH MY GOD that was so TWISTED!!!

I can't even blog anymore...I HAVE to go google.  There is so much intrigue in the British monarchy over the centuries.  I'm so glad people like Phillipa Gregory realize it and write about it...and make it positively yummy for the rest of us to swallow!

And since I am currently having a love affair with Starz, I just want to THANK them - once again - for backing the right horse and putting this FANTASTIC series on the air in the US.  

And PS - want to know what King Richard would have sounded like???  HOW COOL IS THIS?!

The White Queen: The Beginning of the End

SPOILER ALERT:  I have ONE EPISODE LEFT and am freaking out!!

I can't BELIEVE its over on Saturday.  What am I going to do??  I love this show!  You KNOW you love a show when it's on your DVR...along with THE WALKING DEAD PREMIERE...and you watch the White Queen first!!!!

Allow me to jump right the hell in...

First off...don't you LOVE how Elizabeth gets her panties all in a twist...so she makes it rain?  Girlfriend...if you can do that type of shiz, why not just strike everyone in the castle by lightning and go get your kid back???  LOL  Total head scratcher...but makes for awesome TV.

Ok secondly:

Dear Anne Neville, 

You are one primo CoUNTry singer.  (And I don't even like that word.)  How's about you get off your throne (pun intended) and help a sister out???  

Love ya, mean it...
Carol 

I absolutely LOVE how they're handling the disappearance of those two poor boys.  If you study the history, you will see that most people assume Richard killed the boys (or had them killed) to keep them off the throne ahead of himself.  But some people think it could have been others, doing it for people like Anne, Margaret, etc etc.  So it's absolutely brilliant how they're showing that it could have been anyone.  I've wondered all season how they were going to handle it and I couldn't be happier.  Totally smart move.

Is it me or is Richard hot?  Thought so.

Can't WAIT to see what fate befalls Margaret, mother of Henry TYOOdor.
You mess with the bull, sister...yer gonna get the horns.  And how about your hubby treating you like a no-good loser and totes deceiving you into thinking he gave a rat's ass about your son, Henry TYOOdor, becoming king!  Is that guy the best player of both sides you've ever seen???  OMG he's pure evil!

OK so my beard is a little rounded.
You KNOW I look exactly like him. 

And what's really bizarre is this:  Check out the real Thomas Stanley, compared with Rupert Graves, who "plays him on TV".  Isn't it uncanny?  It's a CREEP SHOW, is what it is!!  I can't believe how alike they are!

It's like they jumped off the pages of history and onto this little piece of awesomesauce that Starz was smart enough to pick up for us all this season.

OK y'all.  Saturday night.  The countdown is on!!!!

Vampire Diaries - Just a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood

SPOILER ALERT:  I've watched one episode of Season 5.

OMG what a fun show this is.  I know people probably look at it like "Are you serious?  Vampire
Diaries?  What's next, Werewolf Bubblegum?  But you just have to watch to believe how amusingly delicious it is.

I am at a loss for what is going to happen this season.  I changed my mind about 17 times in one hour.  At first I figured we'd have to deal with Bad Fake Stefan all season...and poor Good Real Stefan would be stuck in that silver box for months.  (WTF is that thing?  A freezer?  An oversized safe?)

Then I decided they were going to get Good Real Stefan back pretty quickly and Bad Fake Stefan was headed out the door.  That's how they always deal with the summertime cliffhanger on shows like this.  They tie it up in one or two episodes and go back to the way things were.

My country 'tis of thee...

But then - THEN - Bad Fake Stefan gets his hot ass on stage and kills Bonnie's dad right in front of the whole damned town!  That was a MASTERPIECE of a scene!  Even if Bad Fake Stefan comes back, he's going to wanted for murder!  Then Good Real Stefan becomes Hot Jailbird Stefan and Carol is even MORE intrigued.

A few notes:

- I actually liked Elena in this episode.  She was happy and non-whiny.  Let's hope it continues.

- Dear Matt - this is a prime time television show at 8PM.  Please refrain from schtupping two girls at once.  Gracias.

Maybe no one will notice I've
 got my head turned like this and
am talking to nothing.

- Caroline - face it - Tyler's gone on to another TV show and isn't coming back.  It's time to dump his sorry, werewolf ass and go shack back up with Matt since he's the hottest guy on the show.

- OMG Jeremy has more lives than Kenny on South Park.  He dies in every episode!

- I hate that I now feel sorry for Bonnie.  I used to hate her annoyingness...but now I feel awful for her.  She's all dead and shit...and her poor Dad is about to sit next to her on the bus to nowheresville.

Tide?
No...my mom buys the cheap stuff. 

- If I had a dime for every dorm room of mine that looked like Elena and Caroline's, I'd be a very poor woman.  Are they kidding?  Cathedral ceilings, golden encrusted doorknobs and enough room to land a 747.  Righttttt.

- And if I had a dime for every time I skipped through the quad, holding my laundry basket...I'd also be eating at KFC every day.  C'mon.  Who wrote this scene?  Target?!


Can't wait for episode 2 that was rudely BLOCKED from my TV last night so we could watch the Giants suck ass for the 6th game in a row.  I'll have to pay $2.99 for it...so I hope it's as good as this one was.

World War Z: These Ain't Walking Dead Zombies

WOW.  Did anyone see World War Z?  I saw this trailer in the theatre when I was waiting for Breaking Dawn 2 to start.  So I was a little giddy and subsequently thought "Eh...total Walking Dead rip off...but the dudes climbing up the wall are cool."

BOY was I wrong!  This movie is SO much fun!  The zombies aren't like Walking Dead zombies that putter around and "quickly saunter" at best.  These suckers RUN!  And ATTACK!  And their teeth chatter like that thing with the little mouth inside the mouth in Alien 17 (or around 17...pick a number).  AKA it's SCARY AS SHIT!  I LOVED IT!

I seriously had no idea it would end up being a horror flick.  Lots of scary moments, right out of the gate.  Lots of eye-covering...lots of stomach agita...lots of "Brad!  Lookout!" to keep you going through the whole thing.  I never once looked at my watch.  It.  Was.  That.  Good.  Sure...you have to suspend disbelief a few times ("HOW did he get there so fast?")  But its worth it.  So watch!

The White Queen: Love Stinks!

SPOILER ALERT:  I have seen 6 episodes of The White Queen.

Warning:  LOL!  This may be the most shallow commentary I've ever given about an episode of The White Queen...or anything else!  It's full of "he did her and she hates him and they suck and ain't she a bitch".  And the HILARIOUS part about that is...this was real life!  Well...sortof.  They rewrite history...but real life runs in the background...we'll put it that way.  

OK - let's get to it!

Why is Elizabeth being such a BITCH to Ann??  She's lucky to be alive, let alone wearing those dresses and living in that castle!  BITCH!  I want to smack her!

Richard, please kiss me already.
You is HOT boy!

OMG Just marry Ann off to Richard already.  Why are they keeping her prisoner?  It's so stupid.  Money, money, money.  Doesn't George have enough at this point??

Oooh snap!  Margaret's mother is dying.  Ew you can almost smell her through the screen.  Gross. I'm surprised there isn't skin falling off her face.  Meanwhile, Margaret's going to go do Jasper Tyooooooder the second her mother croaks.  And rightly so.  It's about time that women get a little sumpin sumpin.

Ho, party of 1?

OMG EDWARD YOU IGNORANT SLUT!!!  I CAN'T BELIEVE HIM!!!  Damnit - I really thought he was different now.  SHIT.  He just DID some HO and Elizabeth walked in and caught them!!

YEYYYYYY Richard and Ann are getting married!!!  I've been waiting for this for weeks!

Weren't expecting me to be so
aesthetically pleasing, were you
oh mother of Henry TYOOdor!

OMG Margaret and Lord Thomas Stanley - I kindof like this!  He's not bad looking!  Actually, he's kindof cute!  He's the perfect age for her, too!  Oooh snap - now they're married and she wants herself a piece!  Just TELL him, ya dumbass!  I hope she comes back out of that room and knocks on his door.

Peace out from Princess Leia!

Poor Elizabeth.  I hated her a half hour ago but now I feel so bad for her.  Her mother's dead, her baby's dead with her mother (WOW that death scene was powerful) and her husband's schtupping the local ginger cutiepie.  THAT SUCKS.

SO happy about Richard and Ann.  I think he loves her.  I hope he loves her.  She's the only one on in this whole situation with a conscience!

Boy did I really back the wrong horse!

Oh sureeee....NOW Isabel is nice to Ann???  No WAY!  Eff OFF, beotch!  I felt so bad for her a few weeks ago and now I can't stand her!  She deserves her asshole husband!

What's the deal with Elizabeth and Margaret?? WHAT FUN!  How delish!  If they become allies, this show just upped its own anti.

And PS - how long until they have a heated, "I must have you now" scene between Margaret and her new hubby, Thomas?  Yum.  Can't WAIT!

True Blood - Season 6 Finale

ROFLMAO - Just found this outline I typed while watching the True Blood finale.  It was so "meh", I didn't bother to write it out!  I thought it would be funny to just post it like this, spelling/grammar errors and all...


stupid party outside bill's house - like the maynard

waht's with jason's chickie with the pink pants - she's suffocating

I want bill and sookie back together

Warlow is annoying - I'm so glad Sookie's not going ot marry him or be his "Fairy Vampire Bride" (Jason)

Eric - Sorry your mom blew up ricky

WTF is up with Jason's Porn?  That was bizarre.

Sam became mayor in 6 months?  Whaaa?

Once again - no lines for the best one on the show aka Lafayette

I KNEW that was a wig on Alcide.  THANK GOD.  He looks SO MUCH BETTER with short hair!
What's with him and Sookie?  Blech.

Tara and her mother?!?  THAT WAS A COOL SCENE!!!!

WHERE'S QUINN??? Are we EVER going to meet Quinn?  I guess not.  Alcide is Quinn enough for both of them.  At least we're not going to have to endure the kitchen dry hump between Quinn and Sookie.

Breaking Bad: They Faked Me Out Again!

Spoiler Alert: Aww hell...there are, like, 3 eps left???  If you're not caught up - back away slowly! ;)

OK is it me, or was the final goodbye between Hank and Marie pure genius?  I saw that...and said to
my husband, "Oh this is it.  Hank's gonna bite it.  The hillbillies are-a-comin'."  Well- I was right about one thing; the hillbillies sure did make a grand entrance.  BUT - Hank is still alive (or was at 9:59) and lives to see another week!  AMC faked me out, yet again.  How do I love thee?  Let me count the ways.

And my husband can't figure out how all those automatic weapons could've missed.  He even did his own reenactment of Hank and Gomez, SLOWLY running over behind the cars, to demonstrate just how ridiculous it was!  (Boy do I wish I had that on video for y'all.)

Now WHAT do y'all think m'boy JESSIE is up to with that car door, yo???  Is he trying to escape?  Where's he gonna go?  I don't think so.  Nope.  I think he's actually wondering if he can sidle up next to one of those Nazi freaks and hold a gun to his head...ultimately saving Hank, Walt and Gomez.  Don't think it's possible?  Think again.  Jessie was quite a badass in Mexico, remember?  Something tells me a guy who's got nothing left to lose won't be all that afraid of a few AK47s.

Saul.  Lorddddddd Saul.  That hair is priceless.  He's so lovable and disgusting.  I really hope that
rumor I heard about a spinoff is true. HOW much do I love Saul?  I'm going to say goodbye to these guys like the scarecrow, tin man and lion in the Wizard of Oz in a few weeks...and I may miss Saul most of all...

PS - I found this photo on this tremendous Breaking Bad/Saul Tumblr page AFTER I TYPED THIS and almost fell off my damned chair.

Fifty Shades of HOLY CRAP she did NOT just SAY that!!!!

Smut Alert:  This article is not for everyone.  If you have a problem with smut and dirty words, what I am about to share is not for you.

If you don't mind smut, and enjoy some dirty words once in a while, especially coupled with Fifty Shades of Grey discussion, get your ass over to the Bitches Gotta Eat blog.  And strap yourself in for one hell of a hilarious, tears-running-down-your-cheeks, bumpy-assed ride.  I truly haven't laughed this hard in I can't TELL you how long.  Enjoy!

The White Queen - Episode 3: Wake Me When It's Over

SPOILER ALERT:  I have seen 3 episodes of The White Queen.

Meh.  Tonight's ep was called Fool Me Once.  Yeah.  They fooled me into thinking it was going to be good!

Don't get me wrong, it didn't suck.  But it wasn't fantastic, by any means.   Ever notice how sometimes shows like this seem to be on a week on/week off schedule?  Amazing...meh...Amazing...meh.  Story...filler...story...filler.  Tonight was a whole lotta filler.  (The Tudors was famous for that.)  Two scenes were literally exactly alike.  Edward's gone...Edward comes back.  Elizabeth is sitting at a table when he does.  He walks in - they embrace.  Yawn.  Really?

A few good things:

Edward and Elizabeth getting it on with Warrick's daughter in the room, waiting on them.  Holy hell - it was like in Rome (on HBO) when Atia and Mark Antony were going at it like banshees and afterward, Atia orders "Water!" to her servant, who is standing right next to them.  Ummm...OK.

Margaret and Jasper finally swapping some spit.  GOD that husband of hers is annoying.  Although, WHAT is she up to by sleeping with him?  That was bizarre.  I guess she has to please him in the bedroom to get what she wants.  Then again, who doesn't?  ;)

Lady Cecily.  Lordddd she's underused.  I love her icy attitude.  I'd like to see her go quip for quip with the Dowager Countess on Downton Abbey.  THAT would rule.

Poor Isabel.  I felt SO bad for her when she lost the baby.  And we all knew she was going to.  What a nightmare on that boat.  She seems so conflicted all the time...like she really wants to do the right thing.  I keep waiting for her to turn on everyone and run to the queen and tell on...someone.  Anyone.  LOL

That's it for now.  I just don't have it in me to say much more about this episode.  Cross your fingers for next week.  They never give you two filler eps in a row...so we should be good!

Breaking Bad - Buried: Mo Money, Mo Money, Mo Money

SPOILER ALERT:  I have seen the first two eps of the last season of Breaking Bad. 

You know what's funny?  I can't say that much about Breaking Bad.  It's such a different kind of TV show...I just can't formulate anything good enough to express what goes on on a weekly basis.  But I'll try...

What I can't figure out is is Walt going to beat cancer again?  Especially while he's running around burying billions and running from Hank.  (Or is he?  Skyler's new "we say nothing" plan is brills.)  Maybe I'm wrong in assuming that, but he's got hair in future scenes when he's picking around the rubbish in his house...and doesn't seem as sick as he is now.

HOW awesome is all that money underground?  I LOVED the guys laying on it this week.  I wonder if Walt (And Skyler?) is going to come back and dig it up?  I wonder if he ends up alone.  Or if Skyler stays with him.  HELL - at this point, Hal and Marie could end up going along with them, too.  Or not.  DANG!  They HAVE me.  I have NO idea what's going to HAPpen.  In only 6 more episodes!

Is it me, or is Hank a totally different guy than he was at the beginning of this series?  He started out as an annoying dumbass who didn't know when to keep his mouth shut.  Now he's this total badass with a cushy office and everything.  Although, I must say, I'm kindof surprised at how intent he is on getting Walt...enough to totally screw Schyler.  I don't even think Marie will try and save Skyler at this point.  

And ooh...Lydia.  That woman scares me.  She's so psychotic.  One minute she seems so scared and lost.  The next, she's friggin cray cray and seems like she'd easily whip out an oozie and start picking people off, one by one.  (Snort.  Is that what you do with an oozie?)  I was hoping she was going to end up locked in that trailer for a while...but it was not to be.  Walt's (baby-faced) guy made sure of that. 

And what's with Jessie?  WHAT a moron.  And now his ass is screwed - for life.  I bet they'll give him a sweet deal if he gives up Walt.  I can't WAIT to watch Hank and Jessie go head to head down at the precinct. 

HOW glad are you that Saul is back and so entrenched in the story at this point?  I love that character so much.  He could have a pretty successful spinoff.

And lastly - WHERE's FLYNN aka Walt Jr.?!  Is he ever ON the show anymore?  It's completely bizarre the way they've just sortof written him out.  He's just...gone.  It's like Happy Days when we found out Richie and Joanie had an older brother who was off "at college".  Chuck.  Or was he there early on and then we never saw him again?  I digress...