Vampire Diaries: Goodbye to You

SPOILER ALERT:  The following are my thoughts whilst watching episode 11, "500 Years of Solitude."

Wanna shag me gone?

KLAUS!!! OH MY GOD! He's here!  With Caroline!!! In the woods!  Didn't see THAT one coming!!!

"In a shocking twist, Katherine's daughter's a psychopath."  ROFLMAO!  Damon is so friggin' funny, I don't know what to do with myself.  I'd like a book of nothing but Damon's one-liners.  Think someone can make that happen over at the CW?  Let me know.  Thanks.

WOW Klaus and Caroline getting BUSY in the woods!  This is outSTANDing!!!  I've wanted these two together since his hot, douchey ass first told her he dug her.  I love the angst, too.  "Ummm...OK so I'm going to give you the bestest, hottest, up-against-a-tree sex that you've ever had....and then you're never going to see me again, mmmkayyyy?  Great."

Shiz - is Katherine really dying?? Seriously?  C'mon now.  She's one of my favorite characters.  Her bitchiness just rounds out Elena's whineyness soooo nicely.

"Get out, Elena."  I just said that.  *I* did.  Me.  On my couch.  That just popped right the hell out m'mouth.  OUT LOUD.  Just take your skinny, immature ass right back out the door and let Katherine die with a shred of dignity, please.  We all know you're perfect and she's the devil.  Got it.  Now go.

I'm not giving blood!
Just stick it in my arm!  

Ummm...OK so when did Elena become a phlebotomist?  Oh right...it was only a shot.  She's just so good at so many things...it's hard to keep track!  What's next?  Astro-Physicist?

Oh SNAP...Katherine's Elena!!  NICE!!  Didn't see THAT one coming, either! (Seems to be the phrase of the night!)  OK so it looks like SOMEbody's been watching Once Upon a Time and wanted to try out the old person-switcheroo.  THIS is tasty as hell as storylines go.  Think about it.  Elena's going to come close to being buried...and Katherine's going to go schtup the shit out of Damon.  I think I LOVE this!!  Wait - maybe she'll dump Damon and hook up with Stefan again (because we all know he'd be slightly more AWESOME in bed than Damon.)  ;)

And lastly...Stefan.  I'm sorry...but I can't stand watching him be all nice to Damon about Elena.  Um, EW!  He totally got the short end of that relationship stick.  Or did he?  Actually - he made out pretty well as he's NOT HAVING TO PUT UP WITH ELENA'S WHINING ANYMORE!!!

OMG and how about all the dead people showing up in this episode???  ALARIC!!!

Be still my heart!!!  It was like being blinded by a thousand rising suns.  (Yes.  I do love Alaric and my life would be more COMPLETE if the CW didn't feel the need to OFF HIM.)  ;)

Reign: I Can't HANDLE the Truth!

SPOILER ALERT:  I wrote this while watching episode 9,  "For King and Country".

"I grew tired of you a decade ago."...ROFLMAO!  The king gets on my last nerve...but that shit was funny.  And Catherine deserves it, too.  She causes such destruction and then sits back and acts like she knows nothing about it.  Bitch needs to "get hers".  Nomesane?  (That's "do you know what I'm sayin'?" for anyone who didn't get my sad attempt at humor.)

FRIG - I feel so guilty.  I love Francis.  I adore Francis.  Yet Mary's not away from Francis 10 minutes and I'm already salivating over Bash.  SHIT.  This never happened to me with Vampire Diaries.

You can't leave me, Mary!
I look scrumptious in black!

OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG WHAT???  Mary MARRY BASH?!?!?!  If that happens, I don't know what I'm going to do with myself.  The second she and Bash were back from her adventure in the woods, Frahhhhncis was all KINDS of pissed off....and looking majestically badass in that black outfit.  And I was RE-hooked.  Sorry Bash...but Francis is just so pretty and full of baditude.

Wonder which one of
them has a bigger...hat.

Damn girl...Don't do this!!!  What's with the private chamber plotting??  Love me some Bash but you are going to cause all KINDS or problems between brothers if you keep this cray cray up!!!  Why do these women want to drive a wedge between brothers??? Have their mothers taught them nothing?? You pick one - and stick with him.  End of story!!  And, um, hello??? Do you have a brain in your head?  Just marry Francis!!  C'est la vie!!  Stop playing God!  I know Scots are awesome and all...but don't let it go to your head, bitch!

Yeah.  I'm hot.
And I'm not even British. 

OK you know what?  Nostradamus (who is actually somewhat Stefan Salvatore-hot when cleaned up) is annoying the crap out of me.  One minute you're all sweet and ...like a little lost bird...and the next you're being a douche to that poor Rocky Denis girl in the dungeon!  Make up your damned mind!  It's no wonder she got pissed and killed your ass!  (But who gave her the knife??  Catherine, so Nasty couldn't tell on her??  Which would mean Catherine knows about her.  Which, duh, is most likely the case.  But who the eff IS she?!  Do the writers even know???  What is this, LOST???)

Separated at birth? 

And has anyone ever seen Nostradamus and John Krasinski in the same room at the same time?  Just checking.

OMG Poor Francis. I can't even watch.  He is getting so screwed!!  In all areas of his life!!!  One minute he's losing the love of his life...and the next, he's losing his crown!!!!  Poor guy!! It'll serve her Scottish ass right if he takes off and goes effing every maiden girl within a 100 mile radius now that he's poor-and-cute instead of being rich-and-cute.

Speaking of...

Where IS Francis?!?  WHERE DID HE GO???  Why isn't he in the scenes for next week??? OMG I am going to lose it.  Seriously.  I have not been this angry at a show in a LONG time.

See for yourself:

            


Bottom line - I canNOT sit back and watch her marry Bash-licious with Francis nowhere in site for weeks.  THAT will just not work for me.  It *is* the CW though...so I'm sure he'll be back next week and they're just messing with us in the scenes.  Right?  RIGHT?!

Stefan...Damon...
Stefan...Damon...
Stefan...Damon...

And (the following involves a Vampire Diaries spoiler for those of you who haven't passed season 1 yet) here's what else is ticking me off.  I have put up with endless seasons of Elena bouncing back and forth between Stefan and Damon on The Vampire Diaries.  It's annoying as hell.  And if the CW thinks I'm going to sit back and watch that shit on a show that is SUPPOSED to have at least SOME historical accuracies....they are SADLY mistaken.

Damn, y'all.  When was the last time I was this pissed of?!?  Clearly I love this show!!!!

Fifty Shades of Tsk Tsk Tsk

OK so Julia just sent me this interesting DListed article about Fifty Shades of Grey...and how the author thinks the film is going to suck because there won't be enough sex and nudity.

I wanted to share my response with you guys and get your opinions.

(Am I on an island?)

I’m sure I'm in the minority because I really don’t want tons and tons of sex.  For me, personally, the heart of the story is Christian Grey’s effed up mind…and the people/things that have shaped his life.  I think our imaginations are usually more sexy than what’s on screen. I fear they could really screw it up if they show too much.  Just the sight of the red room - for me - will be truly exciting.  (Expecting everyone to disagree.  It’s cool.)  :)

PS - I am pleasantly surprised that everyone who responded to the email thread agreed!  I truly thought I would come off as boring as hell.  LOL   It's such an interesting topic...and not just for Fifty Shades.  I'm definitely a "less is more" person.  How about you?  

Reign: Angst Times Ten

Spoiler Alert - I have watched up through episode 8, "Fated".  Lorddd have I watched. 

HOLY SHIT!!!  Was that the most angst-filled episode you've ever seen??  OMG here's Mary, riding off on a horse with BASH of all people...and Francis is falling to his knees in despair!  Oh my lord...you just cannot MAKE this stuff up!!!  It was gut-wrenching!

And WHY do I LOVE Queen Catherine???  HOW can I?  She's delicious!  Why?  Because she's smart as hell.  She makes some tough choices and backs herself up at every turn.  I can't help but agree with a lot of her choices, even though they seem vicious.   (OK - maybe not her ability to have people killed; that's a little over the top.)

OK so she might get a little dead
when she drinks this.  No biggie. 

And I LOVE the whole frenemy sitch with Catherine and Diane.  Catherine could've killed Diane long ago...but she sees her as nothing more than a fly on the beach to be swatted away.

Ummm...could you maybe just change
your mind and see him getting a perfectly
survivable little flu or something?  

OH my god...I just can't get OVER it...is Mary the biggest dumbass on the planet??  Just TELL Francis what's going on!  LET his skinny, white ass talk you out of leaving!  He's not exactly Chris Hemsworth, this is true...but boyfriend's HOT and he's got CASTLES and shit.  And you kindof sortof really truly LOVE him!!  Ride that wave as long as you possibly can!  Just tell Nostradamus to f%$# off and go figure out a constellation or something.  Geez.

Maybe they'll let me sleep
in the stables with Bash...

And is it mean if I was sad that it wasn't Kenna lying on the floor in a pool of blood?  I just think the King's Official Annoying Mistress has no place on the show.  The king doesn't want her.  Mary wouldn't miss her.  Catherine is disgusted by her and Diane probably hates her.  BUH bye, Kenna.  Don't let the heavy, wooden, iron-hinged door hit you in your scrawny ass on the way out!

Did I just see Mary's stupid rear end kissing Bash in the scenes for the next new ep on January 23rd??  WHY??? (screamed like Nancy Kerrigan)  For the love of god, why?  Don't get me wrong...the bastard brother is seriously minty.  There's no debating that.  But he's not the one you love and you KNOW it, ya moron!  Every time you kiss Bash, you eff things up with Frahhhhncis even more.  Do NOT do that.  If for no other reason than the fact that Francis has much better hair.

AND Francis finds out in the scenes, too.  THANK GOD.  He better talk some sense into Mary's dumb ass.  Crap - I really have to google.  All this time I've been obsessing over the Tudor wives and Elizabeth I; I should've been studying Mary, Queen of Scots!  Who knew?!  NOT that I think most of this is even remotely factual.  But who needs facts when we've got the sickest guy-girl angst on the planet??  I'm fine with suspending disbelief if it leaves me wanting more at the end of every ep!  January 23rd?  BRING IT ON!!!

The Vampire Diaries: Jailhouse Rock

Spoiler alert:  I have one episode left until the "mid season finale" in Season 5.  Whatever the eff that is.   The titles of breaks these shows take have gotten ridiculous.  I'm waiting for them to start the "quarter season hiatus".  Or the 1/8th season "Hang on, we'll be back in an episode or two" break...

<-----I look like that guy.

I look like that guy. -------->

OK so these guys at Worthington or Whitman or whatever college this is look alike.  I get them mixed up sometimes.  This show loves its doppelgangers.

Kindof an interesting story with Damon back in "jail" at the WHITMORE!  That's it!!  It's the Whitmore estate.  And WHO is this tasty tuna in the cell next to him??  He's partial to Jag-yoo-ars like a true Brit.  I think I love him.

Why in the name of all things holy would Stefan let Caroline shove him in a box?  AND - isn't it kindof amusing that Stefan's whining about being in the box for 3 months...when Damon was having his eyeball cut out every day for five YEARS - like Prometheus's liver!

Ummm...can I make a slight suggestion?  Why doesn't Damon drink from Elena and get some strength back?   I know Elena has vervain in her blood but it's gotta be better than nothing, right??

OMG this poor guy, Enzo, in the cell next to Damon in the 1950s!  First he offers himself up for the torture before Damon...and then he hands over his ration of blood.  Wowsa.  He's going to die and I'm going to be pissed.  Then all I'll have is Stefan and he's being an idiot in a box.

OK that's it for now.  I have to go actually pay attention.

NO WAIT!!!  Katherine is in the box with Stefan!!  WTF????  "You're Stefan Salvatore.  Suck it up."  ROFLMAO!!!  Oh I love Katherine.  She's so rude and awesome.  :)

Oh SHIT - Damon's leaving Enzo in the cage!!  SO awful!!  He saved you, douche!!!  OMG I can't believe what I'm seeing.  I love how it's such a dire situation that he's got to leave Enzo...yet he saunters out like he's doing a Calvin Klein commercial for organic boxer briefs.

Damon, could you stay away for a little
while longer?  This guy's kinda hot.

LOL  "Mini Wes".  Exactly!!!  That's what I said!!!  They're like...the same person!  It's a creepshow!!

Ew.  Stefan and Katherine.  Ew, ew, ew.

Yes, I'm Enzo, that hot guy
everyone's talking about. 

Oooh...Elena's in the gurney.  NEXT TO ENZO!! HE'S BACK!!!  Right ON!!!  Now THAT'S a face I can look at on a weekly basis.  Excellent!

What is going to happen next week??  It's the mid season finale.  WhatEVER.  ;)

Reign: I Think I Love You. I Think.

SPOILER ALERT:  I have watched 6 delicious episodes of Reign so far.  

I'm beyond smitten with this show.  I can't get enough.  It's not on for another 2 weeks and I don't know how I'll get through Thursday without it!  Waiting one week seems long enough!

Maybe I'd hook you up with my slutty ex
if you'd stop hooking up with my hot
fiance who I vow to possibly never marry.

I am still in shock at what Francis did to Mary this week.  NOT that I'm grossed out.  Let's face it,
girlfriend was sucking face with Bash...and he saw it.  What's a guy to do when his hot ex is back in town and his virginal fiance is making out with his half brother??  Give him a break!  And you know he was imagining the ho was Mary the whole time anyway.  Let's just hope he and Bash can work it out.  It's never idea to get in between blood.  No way.

I am usually so caught up in these two that I can hardly breathe...but let's see who else we can dish about.

I, Kenna, take thee Henry, to be my
lawfully, unwedded sugar daddy...

I can't stop LOLing at Kenna's naivety.  "I'm the king's official mistress."   Wheee doggie.  DARE TO DREAM, girl!!  And how about when the king went right back to Diane while they were digging up the tiles in their old room!  Kenna is going to nag herself right out of that room and over to the cottage.  Or worse; right out of France.

What SCARES me when I see what a ho Henry is, is that Francis is his father's son...and he might end up just as much of a ho as Henry.  Bash?  Yep.  I can see it.  He'll jump in and out of women's beds faster than a cricket in your basement when.  But Francis?  He seems like he's got some integrity.  I hope that Olivia doesn't screw it right out of him.

Mary, I *must* kiss you and ditch
you in every episode.  It's the CW!

OK so that storyline with Bash and the sacrifices...  Confused, party of 1?  I sat through the whole thing thinking "Yeah..OK...just get us back to Francis and Mary."  LOVED that Francis blew Mary off YET AGAIN...but I don't know how much more back-and-forth I can take out of these two.

Will someone please find Queen Catherine a date.  That woman needs to re-LAX.  Maybe she can double with Nostradamus so she'll know what they're serving for dessert before she even orders an appetizer.

Le sigh.  Nothing more for almost two weeks.  Hopefully Francis will get his act together by then and stop schtupping his ex ho.  If not, Mary may start hiding Bash in that little cubby behind the wall...

American Horror Story: Exsqueeze Me?

Spoiler Alert:  I have watched up to Episode 7: "The Dead." 

Please don't let me die in this robe!

Um, yuck.  The tongue thing was tres disgusting.  At least we got to hear Dennis O'Hare speak before Zoe killed him. I'm sure someone will bring him back, however.  That seems to be the way it works this season.  I hope so; that man is a god on screen.

No fair.  You're both
dressed and I'm in a towel.

Honestly, I'm a bit grossed out at the threesome.  I know this job gets its jollies by freaking people out...but that was just...so unnecessary.  They're kids.  And two of them are dead.  Ew.  Not sexy at all.

Is it me or do Kyle's body parts from other guys totally mess with your mind?  I felt so bad for him when he realized the tats weren't his.  Meanwhile, I wonder whose johnson he got.  Or rear end, which we saw plenty of last night.  Lorddddddd the gratuitous Evan Peters butt shot.

No matter how hard I
try, I just can't be sexy. 

Not sure how to feel about Fiona and Saxophone Devil Man hopping into bed together.  It was kindof...decrepit.  She's got one foot in the grave...and he's just...um...yeesh.  I don't mean to be a beotch because Danny Huston is a good actor.  But the sex doesn't make a whole lotta sense to me.  Fiona's dripping with sensuality...and Saxophone Devil Man is...um...not.  In the slightest.  He comes off more as a funeral director (NOT that funeral directors can't be hot; I'm sure there are some good ones out there.)  You get my point, so let's move on...

WHERE is Nan?  You've got Madison ho-ing around...Zoe killing people AND ho-ing around...Queenie up to NO good (I'll get to that in a minute), Fiona out doing the funeral director...and Delia feeling her way around the house and spilling tea.  So WHERE is Nan??? That poor kid is so neglected!  I wonder if it's on purpose and we'll find out SHE is the chosen witch with all the power.

Do they think I'm nice? NOT!

OK so Queenie - what's up with you, girl?  I get it; Delphine is a monster.  But YOU are not.  So why take her to Voodoo Stella Got Her Groove Back and hand her over like an animal?  You tried to save her in the past; why change now?
That's about all I've got in me about AHS today.  Next week will be very telling.  Either I'm going to continue to watch...or I'm going to start going to bed at a decent hour on Wednesdays; it's up to them.

The Walking Dead: Guess Who's Back?!

Admit it; you think I'm hot.
Entertainment Weekly does, too. 

Spoiler Alert:  I have watched 6 eps of season 4. 

OMG I cannot BELIEVE how much I love the Governor now!  I HATED him!  And now he's fantastic!  I love his little wanna-be family and his relationship with his new "daughter".  OMG I will be so mad at Rick if he kills him!!

I really thought I'd be bored with a full ep about the Gov...but it was just the opposite!  Which says a lot about David Morrissey that he can carry an entire hour!

And is it me?  Or is he all the sudden...kinda...hot??

I really have nothing more to say about ep 6...except that the gov's girlfriend's almost-cop sister - aka Alanna Masterson - aka redhead dude from That 70s Show's sister - looks like Camilla Belle.  I'm thinking this character has some skells in her closet.  We'll see.

Here's a trailer for next weeks' ep.  Can't WAIT!!!

The Walking Dead: Um, EW.

Spoiler alert:  I am totes caught up on The Walking Dead as of Sunday, November 10th. 

Holy crap.  Tonight's ep was gross.  GROSS.  I can't even go to sleep.  I'd rather see them shove sticks in the eyes of all those fence-walkers than watch Pop Pops wipe bloody tears and intubate the masses on Cellblock H.

Y-U-C-K!!!!

And speaking of the fence...WTF are they going to do now???  And how is it that Rick an Carl were frolicking around in the pea patch the morning after TWO fences gave way??  Oh THAT'S right...Carl probably fixed both of them when everyone was sleeping.  That's why Rick let him sleep in.

And holy CRAP...we don't know what Daryl's going to do when he finds out about Carol.  You KNOW boyfriend's going out looking for her.  And he's probably going to find the GUBNER on his way back!!  Oooooh BOY I can't believe Hottie McEye Patch is back in town.  Mmm hmm.  Things're gonna get REALLY fun now.

Hi...Shower?  This is Rick and Hershall.  Rick and Hershall?  This is the shower.  USE IT, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT'S HOLY!!!  I can smell BOTH of your asses through the damned TV!!!

Glad Glenn didn't die.  NOT too glad Maggie busted in.  She's pretty important on fence-duty; hope she doesn't get sick, too.

What's going to happen next week?  Wonder what The Gubner's up to.  Wonder who else will get sick?

One thing I DO know...

So glad Carl's got his hat back.  Snicker.

Reign: This One's a Keeper!

SPOILER ALERT:  I've seen the first 3 episodes of Reign.

Oh. My. God.  (Said like the girl in the beginning of the "I Like Big Butts" video.)  I cannot TELL you how juicy and enjoyable this show is.  It is quickly rising to the top of my "Best Shows on TV" list.  It's definitely at the top of my "Sauciest Shows on TV" list (which, apparently, I just made up 5 seconds ago.)

If you are watching Reign to get your fill of historical accuracy, do not even bother.  ("Bash" is a completely made-up "character" and did not even exist in "real life".)   But if you want total soap-opera awesomeness, complete with beautiful royalty and a boatload of angst, get your ass to the CW on Thursday nights. (I just read the Halloween night ratings weren't nearly as low as they'd expected for a fledgling show.  Right on!)

So...what's this show all about?  Well - first you've got Mary, Queen of Scots (we all know I find the word "Scot" delish in any context) who is trying desperately to hitch her cart to any royal wagon she can find so she doesn't find herself toe up with Scotland being run by the English.

(Sigh.  Hindsight is 20/20, right?)

Then there is Prince Francis (pronounced Frahhhn-sess), her fiance since the age of 6, who is avoiding marrying her...yet undeniably attracted to her at the same time.  Francis is a pretty decent dude who is just trying to learn from - and impress - his father, the slutty king who has a wife AND a public mistress.  And a son from each bed partner; Francis from his wife, the ever-bitchy Queen Catherine (who counts on Nostradamus for all her fortune-telling needs)...and Bash from his mistress, what's her name.  Bash is hot in a Damon Salvatore way...and seems to also be a pretty decent dude and is tight with Francis (which is usually unheard of when it comes to fictitious half-brothers from your king-daddy's other main squeeze.)

If you dig somewhat accurate period pieces and lots of drama...you MUST watch Reign on the CW on Thursday nights.  (You can watch all three episodes online at the CW!)  This new, little show needs all the help it can get to "reign supreme" on today's impressive TV lineup.  (Pun intended!)