Reign: Angst Times Ten

Spoiler Alert - I have watched up through episode 8, "Fated".  Lorddd have I watched. 

HOLY SHIT!!!  Was that the most angst-filled episode you've ever seen??  OMG here's Mary, riding off on a horse with BASH of all people...and Francis is falling to his knees in despair!  Oh my lord...you just cannot MAKE this stuff up!!!  It was gut-wrenching!

And WHY do I LOVE Queen Catherine???  HOW can I?  She's delicious!  Why?  Because she's smart as hell.  She makes some tough choices and backs herself up at every turn.  I can't help but agree with a lot of her choices, even though they seem vicious.   (OK - maybe not her ability to have people killed; that's a little over the top.)

OK so she might get a little dead
when she drinks this.  No biggie. 

And I LOVE the whole frenemy sitch with Catherine and Diane.  Catherine could've killed Diane long ago...but she sees her as nothing more than a fly on the beach to be swatted away.

Ummm...could you maybe just change
your mind and see him getting a perfectly
survivable little flu or something?  

OH my god...I just can't get OVER it...is Mary the biggest dumbass on the planet??  Just TELL Francis what's going on!  LET his skinny, white ass talk you out of leaving!  He's not exactly Chris Hemsworth, this is true...but boyfriend's HOT and he's got CASTLES and shit.  And you kindof sortof really truly LOVE him!!  Ride that wave as long as you possibly can!  Just tell Nostradamus to f%$# off and go figure out a constellation or something.  Geez.

Maybe they'll let me sleep
in the stables with Bash...

And is it mean if I was sad that it wasn't Kenna lying on the floor in a pool of blood?  I just think the King's Official Annoying Mistress has no place on the show.  The king doesn't want her.  Mary wouldn't miss her.  Catherine is disgusted by her and Diane probably hates her.  BUH bye, Kenna.  Don't let the heavy, wooden, iron-hinged door hit you in your scrawny ass on the way out!

Did I just see Mary's stupid rear end kissing Bash in the scenes for the next new ep on January 23rd??  WHY??? (screamed like Nancy Kerrigan)  For the love of god, why?  Don't get me wrong...the bastard brother is seriously minty.  There's no debating that.  But he's not the one you love and you KNOW it, ya moron!  Every time you kiss Bash, you eff things up with Frahhhhncis even more.  Do NOT do that.  If for no other reason than the fact that Francis has much better hair.

AND Francis finds out in the scenes, too.  THANK GOD.  He better talk some sense into Mary's dumb ass.  Crap - I really have to google.  All this time I've been obsessing over the Tudor wives and Elizabeth I; I should've been studying Mary, Queen of Scots!  Who knew?!  NOT that I think most of this is even remotely factual.  But who needs facts when we've got the sickest guy-girl angst on the planet??  I'm fine with suspending disbelief if it leaves me wanting more at the end of every ep!  January 23rd?  BRING IT ON!!!

The Vampire Diaries: Jailhouse Rock

Spoiler alert:  I have one episode left until the "mid season finale" in Season 5.  Whatever the eff that is.   The titles of breaks these shows take have gotten ridiculous.  I'm waiting for them to start the "quarter season hiatus".  Or the 1/8th season "Hang on, we'll be back in an episode or two" break...

<-----I look like that guy.

I look like that guy. -------->

OK so these guys at Worthington or Whitman or whatever college this is look alike.  I get them mixed up sometimes.  This show loves its doppelgangers.

Kindof an interesting story with Damon back in "jail" at the WHITMORE!  That's it!!  It's the Whitmore estate.  And WHO is this tasty tuna in the cell next to him??  He's partial to Jag-yoo-ars like a true Brit.  I think I love him.

Why in the name of all things holy would Stefan let Caroline shove him in a box?  AND - isn't it kindof amusing that Stefan's whining about being in the box for 3 months...when Damon was having his eyeball cut out every day for five YEARS - like Prometheus's liver!

Ummm...can I make a slight suggestion?  Why doesn't Damon drink from Elena and get some strength back?   I know Elena has vervain in her blood but it's gotta be better than nothing, right??

OMG this poor guy, Enzo, in the cell next to Damon in the 1950s!  First he offers himself up for the torture before Damon...and then he hands over his ration of blood.  Wowsa.  He's going to die and I'm going to be pissed.  Then all I'll have is Stefan and he's being an idiot in a box.

OK that's it for now.  I have to go actually pay attention.

NO WAIT!!!  Katherine is in the box with Stefan!!  WTF????  "You're Stefan Salvatore.  Suck it up."  ROFLMAO!!!  Oh I love Katherine.  She's so rude and awesome.  :)

Oh SHIT - Damon's leaving Enzo in the cage!!  SO awful!!  He saved you, douche!!!  OMG I can't believe what I'm seeing.  I love how it's such a dire situation that he's got to leave Enzo...yet he saunters out like he's doing a Calvin Klein commercial for organic boxer briefs.

Damon, could you stay away for a little
while longer?  This guy's kinda hot.

LOL  "Mini Wes".  Exactly!!!  That's what I said!!!  They're like...the same person!  It's a creepshow!!

Ew.  Stefan and Katherine.  Ew, ew, ew.

Yes, I'm Enzo, that hot guy
everyone's talking about. 

Oooh...Elena's in the gurney.  NEXT TO ENZO!! HE'S BACK!!!  Right ON!!!  Now THAT'S a face I can look at on a weekly basis.  Excellent!

What is going to happen next week??  It's the mid season finale.  WhatEVER.  ;)

Reign: I Think I Love You. I Think.

SPOILER ALERT:  I have watched 6 delicious episodes of Reign so far.  

I'm beyond smitten with this show.  I can't get enough.  It's not on for another 2 weeks and I don't know how I'll get through Thursday without it!  Waiting one week seems long enough!

Maybe I'd hook you up with my slutty ex
if you'd stop hooking up with my hot
fiance who I vow to possibly never marry.

I am still in shock at what Francis did to Mary this week.  NOT that I'm grossed out.  Let's face it,
girlfriend was sucking face with Bash...and he saw it.  What's a guy to do when his hot ex is back in town and his virginal fiance is making out with his half brother??  Give him a break!  And you know he was imagining the ho was Mary the whole time anyway.  Let's just hope he and Bash can work it out.  It's never idea to get in between blood.  No way.

I am usually so caught up in these two that I can hardly breathe...but let's see who else we can dish about.

I, Kenna, take thee Henry, to be my
lawfully, unwedded sugar daddy...

I can't stop LOLing at Kenna's naivety.  "I'm the king's official mistress."   Wheee doggie.  DARE TO DREAM, girl!!  And how about when the king went right back to Diane while they were digging up the tiles in their old room!  Kenna is going to nag herself right out of that room and over to the cottage.  Or worse; right out of France.

What SCARES me when I see what a ho Henry is, is that Francis is his father's son...and he might end up just as much of a ho as Henry.  Bash?  Yep.  I can see it.  He'll jump in and out of women's beds faster than a cricket in your basement when.  But Francis?  He seems like he's got some integrity.  I hope that Olivia doesn't screw it right out of him.

Mary, I *must* kiss you and ditch
you in every episode.  It's the CW!

OK so that storyline with Bash and the sacrifices...  Confused, party of 1?  I sat through the whole thing thinking "Yeah..OK...just get us back to Francis and Mary."  LOVED that Francis blew Mary off YET AGAIN...but I don't know how much more back-and-forth I can take out of these two.

Will someone please find Queen Catherine a date.  That woman needs to re-LAX.  Maybe she can double with Nostradamus so she'll know what they're serving for dessert before she even orders an appetizer.

Le sigh.  Nothing more for almost two weeks.  Hopefully Francis will get his act together by then and stop schtupping his ex ho.  If not, Mary may start hiding Bash in that little cubby behind the wall...

American Horror Story: Exsqueeze Me?

Spoiler Alert:  I have watched up to Episode 7: "The Dead." 

Please don't let me die in this robe!

Um, yuck.  The tongue thing was tres disgusting.  At least we got to hear Dennis O'Hare speak before Zoe killed him. I'm sure someone will bring him back, however.  That seems to be the way it works this season.  I hope so; that man is a god on screen.

No fair.  You're both
dressed and I'm in a towel.

Honestly, I'm a bit grossed out at the threesome.  I know this job gets its jollies by freaking people out...but that was just...so unnecessary.  They're kids.  And two of them are dead.  Ew.  Not sexy at all.

Is it me or do Kyle's body parts from other guys totally mess with your mind?  I felt so bad for him when he realized the tats weren't his.  Meanwhile, I wonder whose johnson he got.  Or rear end, which we saw plenty of last night.  Lorddddddd the gratuitous Evan Peters butt shot.

No matter how hard I
try, I just can't be sexy. 

Not sure how to feel about Fiona and Saxophone Devil Man hopping into bed together.  It was kindof...decrepit.  She's got one foot in the grave...and he's just...um...yeesh.  I don't mean to be a beotch because Danny Huston is a good actor.  But the sex doesn't make a whole lotta sense to me.  Fiona's dripping with sensuality...and Saxophone Devil Man is...um...not.  In the slightest.  He comes off more as a funeral director (NOT that funeral directors can't be hot; I'm sure there are some good ones out there.)  You get my point, so let's move on...

WHERE is Nan?  You've got Madison ho-ing around...Zoe killing people AND ho-ing around...Queenie up to NO good (I'll get to that in a minute), Fiona out doing the funeral director...and Delia feeling her way around the house and spilling tea.  So WHERE is Nan??? That poor kid is so neglected!  I wonder if it's on purpose and we'll find out SHE is the chosen witch with all the power.

Do they think I'm nice? NOT!

OK so Queenie - what's up with you, girl?  I get it; Delphine is a monster.  But YOU are not.  So why take her to Voodoo Stella Got Her Groove Back and hand her over like an animal?  You tried to save her in the past; why change now?
That's about all I've got in me about AHS today.  Next week will be very telling.  Either I'm going to continue to watch...or I'm going to start going to bed at a decent hour on Wednesdays; it's up to them.

The Walking Dead: Guess Who's Back?!

Admit it; you think I'm hot.
Entertainment Weekly does, too. 

Spoiler Alert:  I have watched 6 eps of season 4. 

OMG I cannot BELIEVE how much I love the Governor now!  I HATED him!  And now he's fantastic!  I love his little wanna-be family and his relationship with his new "daughter".  OMG I will be so mad at Rick if he kills him!!

I really thought I'd be bored with a full ep about the Gov...but it was just the opposite!  Which says a lot about David Morrissey that he can carry an entire hour!

And is it me?  Or is he all the sudden...kinda...hot??

I really have nothing more to say about ep 6...except that the gov's girlfriend's almost-cop sister - aka Alanna Masterson - aka redhead dude from That 70s Show's sister - looks like Camilla Belle.  I'm thinking this character has some skells in her closet.  We'll see.

Here's a trailer for next weeks' ep.  Can't WAIT!!!

The Walking Dead: Um, EW.

Spoiler alert:  I am totes caught up on The Walking Dead as of Sunday, November 10th. 

Holy crap.  Tonight's ep was gross.  GROSS.  I can't even go to sleep.  I'd rather see them shove sticks in the eyes of all those fence-walkers than watch Pop Pops wipe bloody tears and intubate the masses on Cellblock H.

Y-U-C-K!!!!

And speaking of the fence...WTF are they going to do now???  And how is it that Rick an Carl were frolicking around in the pea patch the morning after TWO fences gave way??  Oh THAT'S right...Carl probably fixed both of them when everyone was sleeping.  That's why Rick let him sleep in.

And holy CRAP...we don't know what Daryl's going to do when he finds out about Carol.  You KNOW boyfriend's going out looking for her.  And he's probably going to find the GUBNER on his way back!!  Oooooh BOY I can't believe Hottie McEye Patch is back in town.  Mmm hmm.  Things're gonna get REALLY fun now.

Hi...Shower?  This is Rick and Hershall.  Rick and Hershall?  This is the shower.  USE IT, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT'S HOLY!!!  I can smell BOTH of your asses through the damned TV!!!

Glad Glenn didn't die.  NOT too glad Maggie busted in.  She's pretty important on fence-duty; hope she doesn't get sick, too.

What's going to happen next week?  Wonder what The Gubner's up to.  Wonder who else will get sick?

One thing I DO know...

So glad Carl's got his hat back.  Snicker.

Reign: This One's a Keeper!

SPOILER ALERT:  I've seen the first 3 episodes of Reign.

Oh. My. God.  (Said like the girl in the beginning of the "I Like Big Butts" video.)  I cannot TELL you how juicy and enjoyable this show is.  It is quickly rising to the top of my "Best Shows on TV" list.  It's definitely at the top of my "Sauciest Shows on TV" list (which, apparently, I just made up 5 seconds ago.)

If you are watching Reign to get your fill of historical accuracy, do not even bother.  ("Bash" is a completely made-up "character" and did not even exist in "real life".)   But if you want total soap-opera awesomeness, complete with beautiful royalty and a boatload of angst, get your ass to the CW on Thursday nights. (I just read the Halloween night ratings weren't nearly as low as they'd expected for a fledgling show.  Right on!)

So...what's this show all about?  Well - first you've got Mary, Queen of Scots (we all know I find the word "Scot" delish in any context) who is trying desperately to hitch her cart to any royal wagon she can find so she doesn't find herself toe up with Scotland being run by the English.

(Sigh.  Hindsight is 20/20, right?)

Then there is Prince Francis (pronounced Frahhhn-sess), her fiance since the age of 6, who is avoiding marrying her...yet undeniably attracted to her at the same time.  Francis is a pretty decent dude who is just trying to learn from - and impress - his father, the slutty king who has a wife AND a public mistress.  And a son from each bed partner; Francis from his wife, the ever-bitchy Queen Catherine (who counts on Nostradamus for all her fortune-telling needs)...and Bash from his mistress, what's her name.  Bash is hot in a Damon Salvatore way...and seems to also be a pretty decent dude and is tight with Francis (which is usually unheard of when it comes to fictitious half-brothers from your king-daddy's other main squeeze.)

If you dig somewhat accurate period pieces and lots of drama...you MUST watch Reign on the CW on Thursday nights.  (You can watch all three episodes online at the CW!)  This new, little show needs all the help it can get to "reign supreme" on today's impressive TV lineup.  (Pun intended!)

The White Queen: They Paved Paradise and Put Up a Parking Lot

SPOILER ALERT:  I am finished The White Queen!

Yes...I'm sneering at you. Deal.

WOWWWWW.  I was on the edge of my seat during the whole last episode.  I kept asking my husband "Is this longer than an hour?  How long have we been watching??"  It was just...so...JUICY!  And there was no end in site!  Until it ended.  That kinda sucked.  

Richard, Richard, Richard...MUST you walk around SNEERING at everyone with those gorgeous eyes?  DAMN you, Richard!  I wanted to hate you...I really did.  And when you fell to your death on the battlefield?  You KNOW what we were all thinking:  PEOPLE PARK THEIR CARS OVER THAT SHIT NOW!!!  (OK not really as his bones were moved...but still.  Creepfest, party of Richard!)

If you don't know about Richard's remains ended up...you MUST read this delicious weather.com article about his bones being found last year. 

OK so hmmm...Elizabeth (the younger one). Was she a ho?  Anne was hella bitchy and Richard was the king.  Can't really blame a girl for falling into that den of iniquity, can we?  WHAT a position to be in, too!  "If the king loses, I'll marry Henry TYOOdor and be queen.  If the king wins, I'll marry the king and be queen.  Not too shabby!"  

How can I get
those gorgeous locks?

Suck it, Henry TYOOdor;
my hair is better than yours. 

And how about the haircut on Henry TYOOdor??  C'mon, man...this is a major television series for the BBC, Starz and lord knows who else.  You'd THINK you could lose the square haircut and seek out Richard's badass stylist.  That shit was PRIME hottie hair, was it not?  Henry TYOOdor's looked like Lord Farquaad from Shrek.

Henry, how's Sal down
at the barber shop?
 Tell him I said Hi!

OH my God - how much am I going to  miss Margaret??  She was fanTAStic.  I am the mother of the King, HENRY TYOODOR...and my fence-riding douche of a 4th husband can suck it."

Bow before the
Queen Mother, bitch. 

Her cocky ass marched itself RIGHT into camp...and then the battlefield!  She just sashayed her way across the bloody grass like she owned the place!  It was fantastic!

And the whole time, Mama Elizabeth just bid her time at that country estate, just watching the weather and planning her magic.  It was so awesome when her son came home; I have to google the crap outta that sitch and see what really went down.  Clearly somebody thinks she switched her son with that poor kid who bit it with her other son, Richard.  Or was it Edward?  (Shit she had 10 kids.  Who can keep them straight?)

I can't even be a wiseass
about theselittle lost souls.
Poor Elizabeth.
I can't even imagine.

Ritchie, I want an
Oompa Loompa
and I want one
NOW!

And Anne Neville.  Sigh.  She started out so sweet and that hellish, royal, medieval life really got the best of her.  I cried when her son, Edward died.  And how's about Daddy holding Elizabeth's hand at the funeral?!?  OH MY GOD that was so TWISTED!!!

I can't even blog anymore...I HAVE to go google.  There is so much intrigue in the British monarchy over the centuries.  I'm so glad people like Phillipa Gregory realize it and write about it...and make it positively yummy for the rest of us to swallow!

And since I am currently having a love affair with Starz, I just want to THANK them - once again - for backing the right horse and putting this FANTASTIC series on the air in the US.  

And PS - want to know what King Richard would have sounded like???  HOW COOL IS THIS?!

The White Queen: The Beginning of the End

SPOILER ALERT:  I have ONE EPISODE LEFT and am freaking out!!

I can't BELIEVE its over on Saturday.  What am I going to do??  I love this show!  You KNOW you love a show when it's on your DVR...along with THE WALKING DEAD PREMIERE...and you watch the White Queen first!!!!

Allow me to jump right the hell in...

First off...don't you LOVE how Elizabeth gets her panties all in a twist...so she makes it rain?  Girlfriend...if you can do that type of shiz, why not just strike everyone in the castle by lightning and go get your kid back???  LOL  Total head scratcher...but makes for awesome TV.

Ok secondly:

Dear Anne Neville, 

You are one primo CoUNTry singer.  (And I don't even like that word.)  How's about you get off your throne (pun intended) and help a sister out???  

Love ya, mean it...
Carol 

I absolutely LOVE how they're handling the disappearance of those two poor boys.  If you study the history, you will see that most people assume Richard killed the boys (or had them killed) to keep them off the throne ahead of himself.  But some people think it could have been others, doing it for people like Anne, Margaret, etc etc.  So it's absolutely brilliant how they're showing that it could have been anyone.  I've wondered all season how they were going to handle it and I couldn't be happier.  Totally smart move.

Is it me or is Richard hot?  Thought so.

Can't WAIT to see what fate befalls Margaret, mother of Henry TYOOdor.
You mess with the bull, sister...yer gonna get the horns.  And how about your hubby treating you like a no-good loser and totes deceiving you into thinking he gave a rat's ass about your son, Henry TYOOdor, becoming king!  Is that guy the best player of both sides you've ever seen???  OMG he's pure evil!

OK so my beard is a little rounded.
You KNOW I look exactly like him. 

And what's really bizarre is this:  Check out the real Thomas Stanley, compared with Rupert Graves, who "plays him on TV".  Isn't it uncanny?  It's a CREEP SHOW, is what it is!!  I can't believe how alike they are!

It's like they jumped off the pages of history and onto this little piece of awesomesauce that Starz was smart enough to pick up for us all this season.

OK y'all.  Saturday night.  The countdown is on!!!!

Vampire Diaries - Just a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood

SPOILER ALERT:  I've watched one episode of Season 5.

OMG what a fun show this is.  I know people probably look at it like "Are you serious?  Vampire
Diaries?  What's next, Werewolf Bubblegum?  But you just have to watch to believe how amusingly delicious it is.

I am at a loss for what is going to happen this season.  I changed my mind about 17 times in one hour.  At first I figured we'd have to deal with Bad Fake Stefan all season...and poor Good Real Stefan would be stuck in that silver box for months.  (WTF is that thing?  A freezer?  An oversized safe?)

Then I decided they were going to get Good Real Stefan back pretty quickly and Bad Fake Stefan was headed out the door.  That's how they always deal with the summertime cliffhanger on shows like this.  They tie it up in one or two episodes and go back to the way things were.

My country 'tis of thee...

But then - THEN - Bad Fake Stefan gets his hot ass on stage and kills Bonnie's dad right in front of the whole damned town!  That was a MASTERPIECE of a scene!  Even if Bad Fake Stefan comes back, he's going to wanted for murder!  Then Good Real Stefan becomes Hot Jailbird Stefan and Carol is even MORE intrigued.

A few notes:

- I actually liked Elena in this episode.  She was happy and non-whiny.  Let's hope it continues.

- Dear Matt - this is a prime time television show at 8PM.  Please refrain from schtupping two girls at once.  Gracias.

Maybe no one will notice I've
 got my head turned like this and
am talking to nothing.

- Caroline - face it - Tyler's gone on to another TV show and isn't coming back.  It's time to dump his sorry, werewolf ass and go shack back up with Matt since he's the hottest guy on the show.

- OMG Jeremy has more lives than Kenny on South Park.  He dies in every episode!

- I hate that I now feel sorry for Bonnie.  I used to hate her annoyingness...but now I feel awful for her.  She's all dead and shit...and her poor Dad is about to sit next to her on the bus to nowheresville.

Tide?
No...my mom buys the cheap stuff. 

- If I had a dime for every dorm room of mine that looked like Elena and Caroline's, I'd be a very poor woman.  Are they kidding?  Cathedral ceilings, golden encrusted doorknobs and enough room to land a 747.  Righttttt.

- And if I had a dime for every time I skipped through the quad, holding my laundry basket...I'd also be eating at KFC every day.  C'mon.  Who wrote this scene?  Target?!


Can't wait for episode 2 that was rudely BLOCKED from my TV last night so we could watch the Giants suck ass for the 6th game in a row.  I'll have to pay $2.99 for it...so I hope it's as good as this one was.