American Horror Story: Exsqueeze Me?

Spoiler Alert:  I have watched up to Episode 7: "The Dead." 

Please don't let me die in this robe!

Um, yuck.  The tongue thing was tres disgusting.  At least we got to hear Dennis O'Hare speak before Zoe killed him. I'm sure someone will bring him back, however.  That seems to be the way it works this season.  I hope so; that man is a god on screen.

No fair.  You're both
dressed and I'm in a towel.

Honestly, I'm a bit grossed out at the threesome.  I know this job gets its jollies by freaking people out...but that was just...so unnecessary.  They're kids.  And two of them are dead.  Ew.  Not sexy at all.

Is it me or do Kyle's body parts from other guys totally mess with your mind?  I felt so bad for him when he realized the tats weren't his.  Meanwhile, I wonder whose johnson he got.  Or rear end, which we saw plenty of last night.  Lorddddddd the gratuitous Evan Peters butt shot.

No matter how hard I
try, I just can't be sexy. 

Not sure how to feel about Fiona and Saxophone Devil Man hopping into bed together.  It was kindof...decrepit.  She's got one foot in the grave...and he's just...um...yeesh.  I don't mean to be a beotch because Danny Huston is a good actor.  But the sex doesn't make a whole lotta sense to me.  Fiona's dripping with sensuality...and Saxophone Devil Man is...um...not.  In the slightest.  He comes off more as a funeral director (NOT that funeral directors can't be hot; I'm sure there are some good ones out there.)  You get my point, so let's move on...

WHERE is Nan?  You've got Madison ho-ing around...Zoe killing people AND ho-ing around...Queenie up to NO good (I'll get to that in a minute), Fiona out doing the funeral director...and Delia feeling her way around the house and spilling tea.  So WHERE is Nan??? That poor kid is so neglected!  I wonder if it's on purpose and we'll find out SHE is the chosen witch with all the power.

Do they think I'm nice? NOT!

OK so Queenie - what's up with you, girl?  I get it; Delphine is a monster.  But YOU are not.  So why take her to Voodoo Stella Got Her Groove Back and hand her over like an animal?  You tried to save her in the past; why change now?
That's about all I've got in me about AHS today.  Next week will be very telling.  Either I'm going to continue to watch...or I'm going to start going to bed at a decent hour on Wednesdays; it's up to them.

The Walking Dead: Guess Who's Back?!

Admit it; you think I'm hot.
Entertainment Weekly does, too. 

Spoiler Alert:  I have watched 6 eps of season 4. 

OMG I cannot BELIEVE how much I love the Governor now!  I HATED him!  And now he's fantastic!  I love his little wanna-be family and his relationship with his new "daughter".  OMG I will be so mad at Rick if he kills him!!

I really thought I'd be bored with a full ep about the Gov...but it was just the opposite!  Which says a lot about David Morrissey that he can carry an entire hour!

And is it me?  Or is he all the sudden...kinda...hot??

I really have nothing more to say about ep 6...except that the gov's girlfriend's almost-cop sister - aka Alanna Masterson - aka redhead dude from That 70s Show's sister - looks like Camilla Belle.  I'm thinking this character has some skells in her closet.  We'll see.

Here's a trailer for next weeks' ep.  Can't WAIT!!!

The Walking Dead: Um, EW.

Spoiler alert:  I am totes caught up on The Walking Dead as of Sunday, November 10th. 

Holy crap.  Tonight's ep was gross.  GROSS.  I can't even go to sleep.  I'd rather see them shove sticks in the eyes of all those fence-walkers than watch Pop Pops wipe bloody tears and intubate the masses on Cellblock H.

Y-U-C-K!!!!

And speaking of the fence...WTF are they going to do now???  And how is it that Rick an Carl were frolicking around in the pea patch the morning after TWO fences gave way??  Oh THAT'S right...Carl probably fixed both of them when everyone was sleeping.  That's why Rick let him sleep in.

And holy CRAP...we don't know what Daryl's going to do when he finds out about Carol.  You KNOW boyfriend's going out looking for her.  And he's probably going to find the GUBNER on his way back!!  Oooooh BOY I can't believe Hottie McEye Patch is back in town.  Mmm hmm.  Things're gonna get REALLY fun now.

Hi...Shower?  This is Rick and Hershall.  Rick and Hershall?  This is the shower.  USE IT, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT'S HOLY!!!  I can smell BOTH of your asses through the damned TV!!!

Glad Glenn didn't die.  NOT too glad Maggie busted in.  She's pretty important on fence-duty; hope she doesn't get sick, too.

What's going to happen next week?  Wonder what The Gubner's up to.  Wonder who else will get sick?

One thing I DO know...

So glad Carl's got his hat back.  Snicker.

Reign: This One's a Keeper!

SPOILER ALERT:  I've seen the first 3 episodes of Reign.

Oh. My. God.  (Said like the girl in the beginning of the "I Like Big Butts" video.)  I cannot TELL you how juicy and enjoyable this show is.  It is quickly rising to the top of my "Best Shows on TV" list.  It's definitely at the top of my "Sauciest Shows on TV" list (which, apparently, I just made up 5 seconds ago.)

If you are watching Reign to get your fill of historical accuracy, do not even bother.  ("Bash" is a completely made-up "character" and did not even exist in "real life".)   But if you want total soap-opera awesomeness, complete with beautiful royalty and a boatload of angst, get your ass to the CW on Thursday nights. (I just read the Halloween night ratings weren't nearly as low as they'd expected for a fledgling show.  Right on!)

So...what's this show all about?  Well - first you've got Mary, Queen of Scots (we all know I find the word "Scot" delish in any context) who is trying desperately to hitch her cart to any royal wagon she can find so she doesn't find herself toe up with Scotland being run by the English.

(Sigh.  Hindsight is 20/20, right?)

Then there is Prince Francis (pronounced Frahhhn-sess), her fiance since the age of 6, who is avoiding marrying her...yet undeniably attracted to her at the same time.  Francis is a pretty decent dude who is just trying to learn from - and impress - his father, the slutty king who has a wife AND a public mistress.  And a son from each bed partner; Francis from his wife, the ever-bitchy Queen Catherine (who counts on Nostradamus for all her fortune-telling needs)...and Bash from his mistress, what's her name.  Bash is hot in a Damon Salvatore way...and seems to also be a pretty decent dude and is tight with Francis (which is usually unheard of when it comes to fictitious half-brothers from your king-daddy's other main squeeze.)

If you dig somewhat accurate period pieces and lots of drama...you MUST watch Reign on the CW on Thursday nights.  (You can watch all three episodes online at the CW!)  This new, little show needs all the help it can get to "reign supreme" on today's impressive TV lineup.  (Pun intended!)

The White Queen: They Paved Paradise and Put Up a Parking Lot

SPOILER ALERT:  I am finished The White Queen!

Yes...I'm sneering at you. Deal.

WOWWWWW.  I was on the edge of my seat during the whole last episode.  I kept asking my husband "Is this longer than an hour?  How long have we been watching??"  It was just...so...JUICY!  And there was no end in site!  Until it ended.  That kinda sucked.  

Richard, Richard, Richard...MUST you walk around SNEERING at everyone with those gorgeous eyes?  DAMN you, Richard!  I wanted to hate you...I really did.  And when you fell to your death on the battlefield?  You KNOW what we were all thinking:  PEOPLE PARK THEIR CARS OVER THAT SHIT NOW!!!  (OK not really as his bones were moved...but still.  Creepfest, party of Richard!)

If you don't know about Richard's remains ended up...you MUST read this delicious weather.com article about his bones being found last year. 

OK so hmmm...Elizabeth (the younger one). Was she a ho?  Anne was hella bitchy and Richard was the king.  Can't really blame a girl for falling into that den of iniquity, can we?  WHAT a position to be in, too!  "If the king loses, I'll marry Henry TYOOdor and be queen.  If the king wins, I'll marry the king and be queen.  Not too shabby!"  

How can I get
those gorgeous locks?

Suck it, Henry TYOOdor;
my hair is better than yours. 

And how about the haircut on Henry TYOOdor??  C'mon, man...this is a major television series for the BBC, Starz and lord knows who else.  You'd THINK you could lose the square haircut and seek out Richard's badass stylist.  That shit was PRIME hottie hair, was it not?  Henry TYOOdor's looked like Lord Farquaad from Shrek.

Henry, how's Sal down
at the barber shop?
 Tell him I said Hi!

OH my God - how much am I going to  miss Margaret??  She was fanTAStic.  I am the mother of the King, HENRY TYOODOR...and my fence-riding douche of a 4th husband can suck it."

Bow before the
Queen Mother, bitch. 

Her cocky ass marched itself RIGHT into camp...and then the battlefield!  She just sashayed her way across the bloody grass like she owned the place!  It was fantastic!

And the whole time, Mama Elizabeth just bid her time at that country estate, just watching the weather and planning her magic.  It was so awesome when her son came home; I have to google the crap outta that sitch and see what really went down.  Clearly somebody thinks she switched her son with that poor kid who bit it with her other son, Richard.  Or was it Edward?  (Shit she had 10 kids.  Who can keep them straight?)

I can't even be a wiseass
about theselittle lost souls.
Poor Elizabeth.
I can't even imagine.

Ritchie, I want an
Oompa Loompa
and I want one
NOW!

And Anne Neville.  Sigh.  She started out so sweet and that hellish, royal, medieval life really got the best of her.  I cried when her son, Edward died.  And how's about Daddy holding Elizabeth's hand at the funeral?!?  OH MY GOD that was so TWISTED!!!

I can't even blog anymore...I HAVE to go google.  There is so much intrigue in the British monarchy over the centuries.  I'm so glad people like Phillipa Gregory realize it and write about it...and make it positively yummy for the rest of us to swallow!

And since I am currently having a love affair with Starz, I just want to THANK them - once again - for backing the right horse and putting this FANTASTIC series on the air in the US.  

And PS - want to know what King Richard would have sounded like???  HOW COOL IS THIS?!

The White Queen: The Beginning of the End

SPOILER ALERT:  I have ONE EPISODE LEFT and am freaking out!!

I can't BELIEVE its over on Saturday.  What am I going to do??  I love this show!  You KNOW you love a show when it's on your DVR...along with THE WALKING DEAD PREMIERE...and you watch the White Queen first!!!!

Allow me to jump right the hell in...

First off...don't you LOVE how Elizabeth gets her panties all in a twist...so she makes it rain?  Girlfriend...if you can do that type of shiz, why not just strike everyone in the castle by lightning and go get your kid back???  LOL  Total head scratcher...but makes for awesome TV.

Ok secondly:

Dear Anne Neville, 

You are one primo CoUNTry singer.  (And I don't even like that word.)  How's about you get off your throne (pun intended) and help a sister out???  

Love ya, mean it...
Carol 

I absolutely LOVE how they're handling the disappearance of those two poor boys.  If you study the history, you will see that most people assume Richard killed the boys (or had them killed) to keep them off the throne ahead of himself.  But some people think it could have been others, doing it for people like Anne, Margaret, etc etc.  So it's absolutely brilliant how they're showing that it could have been anyone.  I've wondered all season how they were going to handle it and I couldn't be happier.  Totally smart move.

Is it me or is Richard hot?  Thought so.

Can't WAIT to see what fate befalls Margaret, mother of Henry TYOOdor.
You mess with the bull, sister...yer gonna get the horns.  And how about your hubby treating you like a no-good loser and totes deceiving you into thinking he gave a rat's ass about your son, Henry TYOOdor, becoming king!  Is that guy the best player of both sides you've ever seen???  OMG he's pure evil!

OK so my beard is a little rounded.
You KNOW I look exactly like him. 

And what's really bizarre is this:  Check out the real Thomas Stanley, compared with Rupert Graves, who "plays him on TV".  Isn't it uncanny?  It's a CREEP SHOW, is what it is!!  I can't believe how alike they are!

It's like they jumped off the pages of history and onto this little piece of awesomesauce that Starz was smart enough to pick up for us all this season.

OK y'all.  Saturday night.  The countdown is on!!!!

Vampire Diaries - Just a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood

SPOILER ALERT:  I've watched one episode of Season 5.

OMG what a fun show this is.  I know people probably look at it like "Are you serious?  Vampire
Diaries?  What's next, Werewolf Bubblegum?  But you just have to watch to believe how amusingly delicious it is.

I am at a loss for what is going to happen this season.  I changed my mind about 17 times in one hour.  At first I figured we'd have to deal with Bad Fake Stefan all season...and poor Good Real Stefan would be stuck in that silver box for months.  (WTF is that thing?  A freezer?  An oversized safe?)

Then I decided they were going to get Good Real Stefan back pretty quickly and Bad Fake Stefan was headed out the door.  That's how they always deal with the summertime cliffhanger on shows like this.  They tie it up in one or two episodes and go back to the way things were.

My country 'tis of thee...

But then - THEN - Bad Fake Stefan gets his hot ass on stage and kills Bonnie's dad right in front of the whole damned town!  That was a MASTERPIECE of a scene!  Even if Bad Fake Stefan comes back, he's going to wanted for murder!  Then Good Real Stefan becomes Hot Jailbird Stefan and Carol is even MORE intrigued.

A few notes:

- I actually liked Elena in this episode.  She was happy and non-whiny.  Let's hope it continues.

- Dear Matt - this is a prime time television show at 8PM.  Please refrain from schtupping two girls at once.  Gracias.

Maybe no one will notice I've
 got my head turned like this and
am talking to nothing.

- Caroline - face it - Tyler's gone on to another TV show and isn't coming back.  It's time to dump his sorry, werewolf ass and go shack back up with Matt since he's the hottest guy on the show.

- OMG Jeremy has more lives than Kenny on South Park.  He dies in every episode!

- I hate that I now feel sorry for Bonnie.  I used to hate her annoyingness...but now I feel awful for her.  She's all dead and shit...and her poor Dad is about to sit next to her on the bus to nowheresville.

Tide?
No...my mom buys the cheap stuff. 

- If I had a dime for every dorm room of mine that looked like Elena and Caroline's, I'd be a very poor woman.  Are they kidding?  Cathedral ceilings, golden encrusted doorknobs and enough room to land a 747.  Righttttt.

- And if I had a dime for every time I skipped through the quad, holding my laundry basket...I'd also be eating at KFC every day.  C'mon.  Who wrote this scene?  Target?!


Can't wait for episode 2 that was rudely BLOCKED from my TV last night so we could watch the Giants suck ass for the 6th game in a row.  I'll have to pay $2.99 for it...so I hope it's as good as this one was.

World War Z: These Ain't Walking Dead Zombies

WOW.  Did anyone see World War Z?  I saw this trailer in the theatre when I was waiting for Breaking Dawn 2 to start.  So I was a little giddy and subsequently thought "Eh...total Walking Dead rip off...but the dudes climbing up the wall are cool."

BOY was I wrong!  This movie is SO much fun!  The zombies aren't like Walking Dead zombies that putter around and "quickly saunter" at best.  These suckers RUN!  And ATTACK!  And their teeth chatter like that thing with the little mouth inside the mouth in Alien 17 (or around 17...pick a number).  AKA it's SCARY AS SHIT!  I LOVED IT!

I seriously had no idea it would end up being a horror flick.  Lots of scary moments, right out of the gate.  Lots of eye-covering...lots of stomach agita...lots of "Brad!  Lookout!" to keep you going through the whole thing.  I never once looked at my watch.  It.  Was.  That.  Good.  Sure...you have to suspend disbelief a few times ("HOW did he get there so fast?")  But its worth it.  So watch!

The White Queen: Love Stinks!

SPOILER ALERT:  I have seen 6 episodes of The White Queen.

Warning:  LOL!  This may be the most shallow commentary I've ever given about an episode of The White Queen...or anything else!  It's full of "he did her and she hates him and they suck and ain't she a bitch".  And the HILARIOUS part about that is...this was real life!  Well...sortof.  They rewrite history...but real life runs in the background...we'll put it that way.  

OK - let's get to it!

Why is Elizabeth being such a BITCH to Ann??  She's lucky to be alive, let alone wearing those dresses and living in that castle!  BITCH!  I want to smack her!

Richard, please kiss me already.
You is HOT boy!

OMG Just marry Ann off to Richard already.  Why are they keeping her prisoner?  It's so stupid.  Money, money, money.  Doesn't George have enough at this point??

Oooh snap!  Margaret's mother is dying.  Ew you can almost smell her through the screen.  Gross. I'm surprised there isn't skin falling off her face.  Meanwhile, Margaret's going to go do Jasper Tyooooooder the second her mother croaks.  And rightly so.  It's about time that women get a little sumpin sumpin.

Ho, party of 1?

OMG EDWARD YOU IGNORANT SLUT!!!  I CAN'T BELIEVE HIM!!!  Damnit - I really thought he was different now.  SHIT.  He just DID some HO and Elizabeth walked in and caught them!!

YEYYYYYY Richard and Ann are getting married!!!  I've been waiting for this for weeks!

Weren't expecting me to be so
aesthetically pleasing, were you
oh mother of Henry TYOOdor!

OMG Margaret and Lord Thomas Stanley - I kindof like this!  He's not bad looking!  Actually, he's kindof cute!  He's the perfect age for her, too!  Oooh snap - now they're married and she wants herself a piece!  Just TELL him, ya dumbass!  I hope she comes back out of that room and knocks on his door.

Peace out from Princess Leia!

Poor Elizabeth.  I hated her a half hour ago but now I feel so bad for her.  Her mother's dead, her baby's dead with her mother (WOW that death scene was powerful) and her husband's schtupping the local ginger cutiepie.  THAT SUCKS.

SO happy about Richard and Ann.  I think he loves her.  I hope he loves her.  She's the only one on in this whole situation with a conscience!

Boy did I really back the wrong horse!

Oh sureeee....NOW Isabel is nice to Ann???  No WAY!  Eff OFF, beotch!  I felt so bad for her a few weeks ago and now I can't stand her!  She deserves her asshole husband!

What's the deal with Elizabeth and Margaret?? WHAT FUN!  How delish!  If they become allies, this show just upped its own anti.

And PS - how long until they have a heated, "I must have you now" scene between Margaret and her new hubby, Thomas?  Yum.  Can't WAIT!

True Blood - Season 6 Finale

ROFLMAO - Just found this outline I typed while watching the True Blood finale.  It was so "meh", I didn't bother to write it out!  I thought it would be funny to just post it like this, spelling/grammar errors and all...


stupid party outside bill's house - like the maynard

waht's with jason's chickie with the pink pants - she's suffocating

I want bill and sookie back together

Warlow is annoying - I'm so glad Sookie's not going ot marry him or be his "Fairy Vampire Bride" (Jason)

Eric - Sorry your mom blew up ricky

WTF is up with Jason's Porn?  That was bizarre.

Sam became mayor in 6 months?  Whaaa?

Once again - no lines for the best one on the show aka Lafayette

I KNEW that was a wig on Alcide.  THANK GOD.  He looks SO MUCH BETTER with short hair!
What's with him and Sookie?  Blech.

Tara and her mother?!?  THAT WAS A COOL SCENE!!!!

WHERE'S QUINN??? Are we EVER going to meet Quinn?  I guess not.  Alcide is Quinn enough for both of them.  At least we're not going to have to endure the kitchen dry hump between Quinn and Sookie.