Fifty Shades of HOLY CRAP she did NOT just SAY that!!!!

Smut Alert:  This article is not for everyone.  If you have a problem with smut and dirty words, what I am about to share is not for you.

If you don't mind smut, and enjoy some dirty words once in a while, especially coupled with Fifty Shades of Grey discussion, get your ass over to the Bitches Gotta Eat blog.  And strap yourself in for one hell of a hilarious, tears-running-down-your-cheeks, bumpy-assed ride.  I truly haven't laughed this hard in I can't TELL you how long.  Enjoy!

The White Queen - Episode 3: Wake Me When It's Over

SPOILER ALERT:  I have seen 3 episodes of The White Queen.

Meh.  Tonight's ep was called Fool Me Once.  Yeah.  They fooled me into thinking it was going to be good!

Don't get me wrong, it didn't suck.  But it wasn't fantastic, by any means.   Ever notice how sometimes shows like this seem to be on a week on/week off schedule?  Amazing...meh...Amazing...meh.  Story...filler...story...filler.  Tonight was a whole lotta filler.  (The Tudors was famous for that.)  Two scenes were literally exactly alike.  Edward's gone...Edward comes back.  Elizabeth is sitting at a table when he does.  He walks in - they embrace.  Yawn.  Really?

A few good things:

Edward and Elizabeth getting it on with Warrick's daughter in the room, waiting on them.  Holy hell - it was like in Rome (on HBO) when Atia and Mark Antony were going at it like banshees and afterward, Atia orders "Water!" to her servant, who is standing right next to them.  Ummm...OK.

Margaret and Jasper finally swapping some spit.  GOD that husband of hers is annoying.  Although, WHAT is she up to by sleeping with him?  That was bizarre.  I guess she has to please him in the bedroom to get what she wants.  Then again, who doesn't?  ;)

Lady Cecily.  Lordddd she's underused.  I love her icy attitude.  I'd like to see her go quip for quip with the Dowager Countess on Downton Abbey.  THAT would rule.

Poor Isabel.  I felt SO bad for her when she lost the baby.  And we all knew she was going to.  What a nightmare on that boat.  She seems so conflicted all the time...like she really wants to do the right thing.  I keep waiting for her to turn on everyone and run to the queen and tell on...someone.  Anyone.  LOL

That's it for now.  I just don't have it in me to say much more about this episode.  Cross your fingers for next week.  They never give you two filler eps in a row...so we should be good!

Breaking Bad - Buried: Mo Money, Mo Money, Mo Money

SPOILER ALERT:  I have seen the first two eps of the last season of Breaking Bad. 

You know what's funny?  I can't say that much about Breaking Bad.  It's such a different kind of TV show...I just can't formulate anything good enough to express what goes on on a weekly basis.  But I'll try...

What I can't figure out is is Walt going to beat cancer again?  Especially while he's running around burying billions and running from Hank.  (Or is he?  Skyler's new "we say nothing" plan is brills.)  Maybe I'm wrong in assuming that, but he's got hair in future scenes when he's picking around the rubbish in his house...and doesn't seem as sick as he is now.

HOW awesome is all that money underground?  I LOVED the guys laying on it this week.  I wonder if Walt (And Skyler?) is going to come back and dig it up?  I wonder if he ends up alone.  Or if Skyler stays with him.  HELL - at this point, Hal and Marie could end up going along with them, too.  Or not.  DANG!  They HAVE me.  I have NO idea what's going to HAPpen.  In only 6 more episodes!

Is it me, or is Hank a totally different guy than he was at the beginning of this series?  He started out as an annoying dumbass who didn't know when to keep his mouth shut.  Now he's this total badass with a cushy office and everything.  Although, I must say, I'm kindof surprised at how intent he is on getting Walt...enough to totally screw Schyler.  I don't even think Marie will try and save Skyler at this point.  

And ooh...Lydia.  That woman scares me.  She's so psychotic.  One minute she seems so scared and lost.  The next, she's friggin cray cray and seems like she'd easily whip out an oozie and start picking people off, one by one.  (Snort.  Is that what you do with an oozie?)  I was hoping she was going to end up locked in that trailer for a while...but it was not to be.  Walt's (baby-faced) guy made sure of that. 

And what's with Jessie?  WHAT a moron.  And now his ass is screwed - for life.  I bet they'll give him a sweet deal if he gives up Walt.  I can't WAIT to watch Hank and Jessie go head to head down at the precinct. 

HOW glad are you that Saul is back and so entrenched in the story at this point?  I love that character so much.  He could have a pretty successful spinoff.

And lastly - WHERE's FLYNN aka Walt Jr.?!  Is he ever ON the show anymore?  It's completely bizarre the way they've just sortof written him out.  He's just...gone.  It's like Happy Days when we found out Richie and Joanie had an older brother who was off "at college".  Chuck.  Or was he there early on and then we never saw him again?  I digress...

The White Queen: The Price of Power

SPOILER ALERT:  Look out, y'all!  I have watched 2 episodes of The White Queen.

Yeah.  I'm THAT good.

First order of business:  James Frain!!!  HOW could I have forgotten to talk about him in my lastpost?!  He's so amazing, I get chills just watching him.  He certainly has come a long way since he played Forney in the movie where Natalie Portman has her baby in the Walmart.  These days he's rivaling Eddie Redmayne in the "actor who's trying to replace Colin Firth as the guy who's done the most period pieces" department.

I just said to my husband "HOW much do you love James Frain?!"  And hubby - remembering "Franklin Mott" (James' character in True Blood) said "Look how fast I'm texting!"  I almost fell off my chair from laughing so hard.  (It's True Blood.  There's "language" in that link.  Be warned.)

If it ain't bein' shown on STARZ...I ain't doin' it!

OK...so...something ELSE I forgot to mention.  Edward's brother, George, is played by David Oakes who was William (or as I liked to call him, "Le Douche") in The Pillars of the Earth.  On STARZ.  Why is THAT significant?  Welllll...how many times have I said "Oh no...they won't cast so and so for Outlander because he/she was already on a show on Starz.  Um, squee?  I suppose this means STARZ rocks even more than I thought they did...and they are fine with an actor from one of their previous shows appearing on another.  Now...I'm sure I'll never get my Hayley Atwell/Claire wish...but at least we may see any number of actors like Ian McShane...Rufus Sewell...etc who we've seen in shows past.  Well played, STARZ...well played!

OK back to the show.  It hit me when Elizabeth was making the sign of the cross that England is still Catholic.  They have only just overthrown Henry VI.  We have a little way to go before Henry VIII comes to town.  Not that we'll see him in The White Queen...OR played by Jonathan Rhys Meyers.  But a girl can dream.

OK another cool this about this show - the score.  In spots, it sounds a lot like my Outlander-reading soundtrack, Lifescapes Scottish Moors.

Meanwhile...anyone who knows me, knows I hate spoilers.  COMMA HOWEVER...I had to google.
 I just had to.  And I have now pieced sooooo much together between this show and what I have researched in the past.  For some reason, it's not really spoiling when it's "real life".  This shit happened, people!  And I must say how surprised I am that - so far - things pretty much happened the way STARZ is portraying them to have happened!  I'm kindof in shock...and I'm definitely thrilled.  (More Outlander hopes, y'all.)

Exactly where I belong.
Karma is a bitch.

Another cool thing:  a few months ago my British history-loving ass FREAKED OUT when they found the bones of King Richard III under a parking lot (SPOILERS).  It just hit me tonight that the same Richard is King Edward's younger brother...who I have DESPISED for years, due to the fact that he _______________ (same spoiler I mentioned above).

Soooo...bottom line...I am now thoroughly entrenched in The White Queen.

And you should be, too.

The Fault in Our Stars

SPOILER ALERT:  I don't give details but I kindof "go there".  So avoid if you don't want to know...or start pondering what happens in this book.

Tracey recently reminded me that I never blogged after reading The Fault in our Stars by John Green - at her suggestion.

What can I possibly say that will do this book justice?  (Especially without being my usual, smartass self?)

It is beautiful.  It is painful.  It is comforting.  It is funny.  It is innovative.  It is lovely.  It is heart breaking.

And it is life...for too many kids.

I missed these characters so much after I finished the book.  I miss their awesome personalities and their quirky situations.  I miss the Literal Heart of Jesus (SO funny) and the descriptions of things like Isaac's giant owl eye.  I miss how much they made me laugh while their lives were anything but funny.  I miss the way Augustus Waters made me feel and the way Hazel Lancaster made me think.

And sadly enough, I miss a friend I lost at 17.  That is what happens when you read this amazing book.  You look at your own life and your own relationships...and you thank God for what you have...and cry for what you've lost.

PS - This book is being made into a film.  And while the actors are not really matching up with the characters in my brain, I am really looking forward it (and will certainly bring my tissues.)

The White Queen: OH NO SHE DI'N'T

SPOILER ALERT:  I have watched ONE episode of The White Queen on Starz. 

Don't think I won't use this bitch...

Holy SHITE.  Sorry to be so crass right out of the gate, but there is just NO other way around it.  This show is goooooooood.  And ALL I could think during the whole, bloody episode was "THIS IS WHAT OUTLANDER IS GOING TO BE LIKE!!!!!"  (Yes.  The shouty caps are necessary.)

First off...this show is GORGEOUS.  With none of the cheese factor of Camelot (which I LOVED, by the way, and highly recommend.  That is not a diss.  Philip Winchester and Joe Fiennes are beYOND.)

Yeah...yeah...
Just put a ring on it, chumley.

Secondly, it has my #1 criteria for an awesome show: the "Oh no she di'n't" factor.  And there is a LOT of it.  When Edward gave the priest a funny look, I was like "Uh oh.  Something's not right."  So you think I'd have figured it out already by the time Elizabeth's brother told her Edward has done this before and the priest was a fake.  At that point, I sat straight up on the edge of the couch and said (say it with me, now): "OH NO HE DI'N'T!!!!!!"  To which my husband replied, "HOW did you NOT see this coming?!?"  I said "Well...I kinda did...but...but..." and really had no response after that.

So then - when Edward stands his badass self up and tells everyone "I have married Lady Elizabeth" ?!?  There were not enough "oh no he di'n'ts" in this WORLD to define that kind of drama!  This show has more twists and turns than that nauseating teacup ride at Disney.  IT'S DELICIOUS!!!

"Ain't no one shavin' MY forehead."

And Edward's mother?!  Holy crap!  When Elizabeth meets her and double teams her with her own mother, Jacquetta...and Cecily has to BOW TO THE QUEEN?!?  It's PRICELESS!!  There is more drama and bitch-factor in that one scene than every episode of General Hospital and Young and the Restless put together!!!

And I will admit, I kept wondering "How much of this stuff even happened the way they're portraying it to have happened?"  I am dying to Google...but being the spoiler freak I am, I will refrain.  I don't even want to know what happened in real life, let alone on the show.  Yes, I am a Tudorphile...but more 16th century Tudors...not 15th century Tudors and their enemies.  So I suppose I'll be googling away when these 10 episodes are over.

One totally strange-yet-interesting thing that has always fascinated me about that time period is that the women plucked out their eyebrows and shaved or plucked their hair at the hairline to have a smooth appearance and elongated forehead underneath their (very odd) headdresses.  Clearly everyone has all their hair on this show.  My god.  Everyone is stunning.  (Again - get ready for Outlander, y'all!)

ALSO...I'm dying to know if the god awful story of the "Princes in the Tower" will be covered on this show.  Do NOT CLICK THAT LINK if you don't like spoilers.  TRUST me.  I'm just wondering if - and how - they'll cover THAT.  If not in this series...perhaps the next (will there be one?)

Can't WAIT for Sunday.  The White Queen AND Breaking Bad.  IT'S LIKE MY BIRTHDAY!!!

Breaking Bad: "Blood Money" (And Lots OF It!)

SPOILER ALERT:  I have seen one episode of the final 8 episodes of Breaking Bad. 

Ooooh SNAP!  And we're off with a BANG!

We now know that Walt is on the lamb ("Hello Carol") and that freaky assed skateboarders have taken over his home.  (That seriously freaked me out more than so many horrific things on this show.  His HOME has been overtaken by the "2 Dollar" kid from Better Off Dead!!)

And can you BELIEVE Hank closed that garage door and put a beating on Walter's face?!  The only thing more awesome than that move was Walter telling Hank he'd better tread lightly.  HOLY SHIT!!!!  I have never been so on the edge of my seat before...and I'm ALWAYS on the edge of my seat with this damned show!  5 seasons of being on the edge of my seat!  It's genius!!

While hubby and I were waiting for the episode to start, we watched some of the end of last season...and OH my god.  "Say my name"..."Heisenberg".  WOW was that powerful.  I am really going to miss Bryan Cranston when this show goes off the air.

And how about JESSE!!  That poor, tortured soul!!  Now he's out throwing cash around in the hood!
 Does he not realize that is going to make the news?  Watch the homeless man rat him out.  That would SUCK!

That is the beauty of these last 8 episodes.  No one knows WHAT the eff is going to come down the pike.  It's like a big, fat game of Russian Roulette!  ANYTHING can happen!!!

And I'm SO happy we got to see Saul already in Episode 1.  Or 9.  Whatevs.  BOUNCE!!!

Here's a little something to get you back on track if you're still a little sketchy.

Yeah bitch...magnets.

True Blood: "Life Matters" (As Does Good Writing)

SPOILER ALERT:  I have one True Blood left this season. 

WTF.  No seriously.  W. T. F?!  Have I been watching True Blood?  Because it feels more like Bonanza with a little vampire fun thrown in.

Let's start with Terry Bellefleur's ONE HOUR FUNERAL last night.  Seriously?!  Don't get me wrong, I really liked Terry B.  I liked him in the books...I liked him on the show.  But the man was a secondary, no, TERTIARY character.  Why center an episode around his death?  Effing flashbacks and stories.  It made no sense!  I said to my husband "Why are they trying to get us to like Terry so much now that he's dead?!"  I'm already annoyed that they killed him off.  Why rub it in?!

Moving on...

Wait 'til you see my hair
when it's flipped in the back!

Dear Alcide, France called, they want that women's hairstyle back.  For the love of all that is holy.  They can't put that mop in a ponytail or some sort of man bun for the funeral where he's supposedly "all dressed up" (in his checkered shirt and jacket...LOL).  WHY is this person still on the show?  He has no place.  He HAD a place in the book series...but now, he's just eye candy...and I can watch Magic Mike for that.

Moving on...

Dear True Blood Producers, you have taken Charlaine Harris' very unassumingly charming character named Sam Merlotte and made him into the most boring character that has ever NOT graced HBO's presence.  Please kill him and put us - and Sam Trammell - out of our misery.  Either that, or let him get into trouble with Andy and banter with Sookie at Merlotte's...LIKE HE'S SUPPOSED TO.

Moving on...

"These jumpsuits are so ugly,
I justcan't take it anymore!!!"

Can someone please explain to me why all the vampires have to remain in captivity, two seasons in a row?  It's getting horrifically old.  One or two eps - fine.  But the whole season of them in god-awfully unflattering jumpsuits, sitting around playing Go Fish all day?  NOT interesting.  In the least.  Although - I will say this:  You killed Eric's annoying sister, and for that I am eternally grateful.

Good things:

- Blondie in the white suit.  Not only did I know Jason Stackhouse doesn't have it in him to kill someone in cold blood, but she is way too juicy a character to kill.  Can't wait to see what she cooks up next.

Sometimes I'm kinda hot...

And other times, I look like
a blood-sucking Sean Astin.  

- Sookie's new romance.  I find it intriguing.  Although I can't decide if I find Warlowe meh - or hot.  He seriously changes from minute to minute on that show.  He's like that girl on Seinfeld who looked good - or bad - depending on what lighting she was in.  His accent helps though.  That, I will give him.

- Bill Compton in a white henley.  My lord that man certainly does rock the henley.  Espesh when it's ripped up and covered in blood.

- Eric...doing anything, anyone, anyhow.  (Except killing Steve Newlin - I'm bummed about that.  He was a great character.)  I love when he flies.  I knew he was going before Pam even told him not to.

- Lafayette.  Lordddddd thank you for Lafayette.  Although - is it me - or are they girling him up a bit too much lately?  I always felt like the best thing about Lafayette was his perfect mix of femininity and masculinity.  Now he's all done up with his doo-rag...AND hoop earring...AND false eyelashes...AND sequins...  I'm not sure if there's still a mans anywhere in there.  (Said like Lafayette!)

Thank you, Jason, for making people
still tune in every Sunday night!

- Jason Stackhouse.  OMG I love this man.  I hope they're paying him well, because he, Nelsan Ellis and Alexander Skarsgard are they only things keeping this show afloat.

Long story short - ONLY thanks to the vampires - and Jason Stackhouse - was last night's episode a ton of fun.  It reminded me a lot of the Book 4? ballroom scene at the Queen's house we were totally robbed of now that they've all but forgotten Charlaine harris...with all the carnage and Eric being on a mission...

...now if only he would've rolled a head and excitedly exclaimed "Bowling for vampires!"

Win "Big Girl Panties" by Stephanie Evanovich!

 Hey boys and girls...it's CONTEST TIME!!!


My Purgatory is giving away a signed copy of Stephanie Evanovich's "Big Girl Panties" to one lucky winner over on Facebook!

Get over to the My Purgatory page and enter!!!

Netflix's House of Cards: An "Oooh Snap!" Kind of Show

SPOILER ALERT:  I have watched Season 1, episode 1 of House of Cards. 

We turned on House of Cards tonight after seeing an interesting New York Times blog post about Ugh...a political show about Washington?  Meh."
its Emmy-worthiness.  My first thought upon the first scene?  "

My second thought about 10 minutes later?

"Ooooh SNAP!  I think I can get into this show."

Kate Mara is OUTSTANDING.  Absolutely delicious.  That woman seems like she'll do anything for a role.  And I love her for it.

Kevin Spacey is...classic Kevin Spacey.  Fantastic slow, southern drawl...calm, cool exterior...and a hurricane of vengeance going on behind his eyes.  WHAT a fun character.  And when he talks to the camera, OMG it's absolute genius!  Like Malcolm in the Middle...for grownups!

Robin Wright Penn - I have loved this woman since she played Kelly on Santa Barbara.  She plays a very structured, calculated bitch (I mean that as a HUGE compliment) and I can't wait to see what kind of "take that" she cooks up this season.

LOVE the backstabbing that is already taking place.  Stealing half-shredded documents from a dumpster in the middle of the night?  OutSTANDing!!!

Can't wait for episode 2!!